Fashion law has taken a back seat to my Family Law
day job. I have been managing expectations of late – and that is seriously no fun. I would so much rather be offering empowerment advice.
Going through a marital break-up is excruciating enough without being slapped in the face with legal realities. When your marriage is falling apart, it’s hard enough to just get by day-to-day; the world is moving in slow-motion and it feels like you’re walking in mud. Overlaid on top of the emotional juggernaut is the lah-lah land of Family Law. Before the empowerment message can be received, management of reality and reasonable expectations must be addressed candidly and processed. In that context, here are some of my messages:
1. Do not expect fair.
Fair, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. What is fair to you, won’t be fair to others. This is the first expectation that needs extinguishing.
2. The process will not right past wrongs.
In ways big and small, wide and tall, you have suffered. You have been wounded. Whatever result you obtain, the wounds of the past will not be righted; old scores will not be settled. Accept that the divorce is not a place you will be avenged. Prepare to move forward, not backward.
3. If you settle your marital dissolution dispute, you must compromise.
Compromise is hard; it is torture. You will compromise on issues you never thought you would. You will feel backed into a corner and pressured to “agree to your spouse’s demands.” You will feel you lost & your spouse “won.” Both of you will feel this way. You may feel your lawyer or mediator (or both) is “on the other side.” Your spouse will feel the same way.
4. If you litigate, the court process will seem byzantine.
It will take twice as long as you think it will, if you’re lucky. Some hugely important issues (to you) will be handled on a rocket docket and you won’t feel as though you’ve had time to say what needs to be said & no way for the Judge to understand before deciding. Other hugely important issues (to you) will seem belabored and exaggerated. You can drown in the paperwork, to-do lists, homework, forms, and action items that you will be asked to complete, yet you will feel as though nothing is accomplished.
5. If you litigate, you will feel eviscerated.
Horrible things may be said. Private issues – those things you told your spouse in the deepest confidence – are thrown in your face. Your children will be impacted & the damage will depend on the extent of the protracted conflict. Years spent in the courtroom attacking your spouse will impact your children.
6. The see saw is not balanced.
Your placement on the spectrum is not even with your spouse. Usually, one spouse is further ahead of the other spouse in terms of emotional distancing and detachment from the marriage. That spouse has already intellectually and emotionally processed the separation and has emotionally entered the life of a “single” person. On the see saw, this person is the spouse in the air. The other spouse, the one sitting on the ground, is the one who feels hit with a sledge hammer, not having yet detached from the marriage, not being emotionally or intellectually as far along on the separation time spectrum. The air spouse is ready to “do business” and the ground spouse is trying to catch up. Incentive and motivation are at odds.
7. Your life will change.
And, soon. The cliché, “you know who your friends are,”is true. Sides will be taken, even in the friendliest of divorces. Your married friends may not seem as warm toward you. They may envy you. They may be wary of your “single”status. You change the group dynamics. On the other hand, life after the separation is wide open. Opportunities are everywhere. You can reinvent yourself. You can do things you wanted but your spouse didn’t.
8. Family relationships change.
No matter the duration of your marriage and the strength of your bond with your spouse’s family, that relationship will change. It may evaporate slowly. It may end suddenly. Either way, there will be a loss. Mourn, but accept this reality.
9. You will be mad.
Madder than you have ever been. Rageful, maybe. The depth and intensity of your fury may scare you. You may be mad at your spouse. You may even be mad at your children. You need a support person that is not a friend or family member who can help you sort through your feelings. Like having a lawyer, a therapist is essential.
10. Your friends and family do not walk in your shoes.
You need your friends and family for support, to listen to you pouring out your feelings and for wiping away tears. Be aware that even well-intentioned friends & family can incite you to make poor choices. They may say, “don’t back down,” “get your ‘fair’ share,” “don’t let her win.” Never forget it is YOU that’s taking the beating: emotional, physical, financial; not the person urging you on. You need a circle of advisors, and your friends and family are part of that circle. Your lawyer and therapist are too.
Whew. See what I mean about not enjoying parceling out this kind of advice?
BUT, these messages are vital to process so the healing can begin and the move to empowerment and happiness can occur.
day job. I have been managing expectations of late – and that is seriously no fun. I would so much rather be offering empowerment advice.
Going through a marital break-up is excruciating enough without being slapped in the face with legal realities. When your marriage is falling apart, it’s hard enough to just get by day-to-day; the world is moving in slow-motion and it feels like you’re walking in mud. Overlaid on top of the emotional juggernaut is the lah-lah land of Family Law. Before the empowerment message can be received, management of reality and reasonable expectations must be addressed candidly and processed. In that context, here are some of my messages:
1. Do not expect fair.
Fair, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. What is fair to you, won’t be fair to others. This is the first expectation that needs extinguishing.
2. The process will not right past wrongs.
In ways big and small, wide and tall, you have suffered. You have been wounded. Whatever result you obtain, the wounds of the past will not be righted; old scores will not be settled. Accept that the divorce is not a place you will be avenged. Prepare to move forward, not backward.
3. If you settle your marital dissolution dispute, you must compromise.
Compromise is hard; it is torture. You will compromise on issues you never thought you would. You will feel backed into a corner and pressured to “agree to your spouse’s demands.” You will feel you lost & your spouse “won.” Both of you will feel this way. You may feel your lawyer or mediator (or both) is “on the other side.” Your spouse will feel the same way.
4. If you litigate, the court process will seem byzantine.
It will take twice as long as you think it will, if you’re lucky. Some hugely important issues (to you) will be handled on a rocket docket and you won’t feel as though you’ve had time to say what needs to be said & no way for the Judge to understand before deciding. Other hugely important issues (to you) will seem belabored and exaggerated. You can drown in the paperwork, to-do lists, homework, forms, and action items that you will be asked to complete, yet you will feel as though nothing is accomplished.
5. If you litigate, you will feel eviscerated.
Horrible things may be said. Private issues – those things you told your spouse in the deepest confidence – are thrown in your face. Your children will be impacted & the damage will depend on the extent of the protracted conflict. Years spent in the courtroom attacking your spouse will impact your children.
6. The see saw is not balanced.
Your placement on the spectrum is not even with your spouse. Usually, one spouse is further ahead of the other spouse in terms of emotional distancing and detachment from the marriage. That spouse has already intellectually and emotionally processed the separation and has emotionally entered the life of a “single” person. On the see saw, this person is the spouse in the air. The other spouse, the one sitting on the ground, is the one who feels hit with a sledge hammer, not having yet detached from the marriage, not being emotionally or intellectually as far along on the separation time spectrum. The air spouse is ready to “do business” and the ground spouse is trying to catch up. Incentive and motivation are at odds.
7. Your life will change.
And, soon. The cliché, “you know who your friends are,”is true. Sides will be taken, even in the friendliest of divorces. Your married friends may not seem as warm toward you. They may envy you. They may be wary of your “single”status. You change the group dynamics. On the other hand, life after the separation is wide open. Opportunities are everywhere. You can reinvent yourself. You can do things you wanted but your spouse didn’t.
8. Family relationships change.
No matter the duration of your marriage and the strength of your bond with your spouse’s family, that relationship will change. It may evaporate slowly. It may end suddenly. Either way, there will be a loss. Mourn, but accept this reality.
9. You will be mad.
Madder than you have ever been. Rageful, maybe. The depth and intensity of your fury may scare you. You may be mad at your spouse. You may even be mad at your children. You need a support person that is not a friend or family member who can help you sort through your feelings. Like having a lawyer, a therapist is essential.
10. Your friends and family do not walk in your shoes.
You need your friends and family for support, to listen to you pouring out your feelings and for wiping away tears. Be aware that even well-intentioned friends & family can incite you to make poor choices. They may say, “don’t back down,” “get your ‘fair’ share,” “don’t let her win.” Never forget it is YOU that’s taking the beating: emotional, physical, financial; not the person urging you on. You need a circle of advisors, and your friends and family are part of that circle. Your lawyer and therapist are too.
Whew. See what I mean about not enjoying parceling out this kind of advice?
BUT, these messages are vital to process so the healing can begin and the move to empowerment and happiness can occur.