I ran across AAML’s statement of “Children’s Rights” that was published in the way-back.  It got me thinking about what a kid might say to the parents.  Here is a list of some things that I’m pretty sure a kid would say.  PARENTS, Listen Up!
--     I represent half of each of you.  I want to love each of you and I do not want to have to hide my love for my other parent from you.
--     Criticizing my other parent in front of me is like telling me you don’t love me.
--     I do not want to choose between you and my other parent.
--     I have opinions.  I have a voice.  Please listen to me.  BUT, I am a kid and I’m going to tell each of you different things - sometimes about the same subject -- because I do not want to disappoint you or make you mad at my other parent.
--      Moving back and forth between houses sucks enough without you getting all teary and anxious.  I’m going to be back.
--     I can adapt to different rules and dynamics at each house.  I do it at school and my teachers don’t stand out in the hall and shout about which class is better for me.
--     I do not want to know what you and my other parent are fighting over.  That’s adult stuff.  I’m a kid and I want to play, hang out with my friends, and do fun stuff with people my own age.
--     I am not your spy.
--     Don’t quiz me about what I do when I’m with my other parent.  I’ll tell you what’s important if you’ll let me do it in my way.
--     Let me decide for myself whether I like my other parent’s new “friend.”  I’m already confused and I have mixed emotions and I want to be able to talk to you without feeling like I’m ratting out my other parent.
--     It hurts my feelings terribly and makes me sad (and mad) when you don’t show up or are always late.
--     When I win a meet or get an ovation after a performance I want to celebrate with each of you and be praised for my accomplishments.  Please don’t take away my joy by making the celebration a competition between you and my other parent.
--     I am not your postmaster.
--     When I get mad at my other parent I don’t need you to take up for me, and I’m not permanently signing up for #ihatemyparent.
--     I love holidays and I love my birthday.  If these occasions become riddled with fights between you and my other parent about time and schedules I will never have happy memories.
--     You are always and forever my Mom.  I will not forget, even if there is another person in my Dad’s life.  You don’t have to fight for your place.  You will always be #1 Mom, especially if you follow these messages from me.
--      You are always and forever my Dad.  I will not forget, even if there is another person in my Mom’s life.  You don’t have to fight for your place.  You will always be #1 Dad, especially if you follow these messages from me.

Are you on a limited budget?  Do you want to monitor and be in control of legal fees?  There may be many reasons why you do not feel you need a "all-in lawyer."  If so, consider engaging a lawyer to go with you to the mediation but nothing more.  This is called a “Limited Scope Mediation.”

You can hire a lawyer to advise you at the mediation without the lawyer being retained for any other aspect of your case.  If you retain a lawyer for this limited role, make sure your lawyer has the tools necessary to advise you thoroughly. Meet with your mediation lawyer at least once before your mediation.  You should individually gather any important documents or data and then be sure the information and documentation you have compiled is shared with your mediation lawyer. Check your County’s local rules for a list of relevant documents.  In Wake County, a list of documents can be found online at ww.nccourts.org/County/Wake/Courts/Family/DomRules.asp.  (See Rule 10 and 11.)  If an agreement is reached in mediation, your lawyer can draft the document and explain legal terms and consequences to you.  If mediation impasses, you can decide whether to retain your lawyer for additional work, make another selection, or handle the matter yourself.

​One of the most difficult types of family law cases occurs when a parent seeks to move away from the home state and take the children.  This is one of those situations when sometimes there is just no middle ground.  The ‘staying’ parent cannot envision not having easy and regular access to the kids.  The idea of not being able to drop in to have lunch at school, or not being there to see a soccer practice, or not being able to talk in the car on the drive to carpool, or not watching the baby sleep creates intense fear and anxiety. The ‘moving’ parent probably has legitimate reason to move; maybe for a new and better job; career advancement; military service; remarriage.  That parent cannot envision the impossible choice to leave a child behind or turn down an incredible opportunity.  Several of my trials in the 2016 Year Of The Long Trial(s) involved relocating parents. 

​In North Carolina, a Judge must consider several factors when considering whether the move is in the best interest of the child.  These factors include:

* The advantages of the relocation in terms of its capacity to improve the life of the child.
* The motives of the custodial parent in seeking the move.
* The likelihood that the custodial parent will comply with visitation orders when he or she is no longer subject to the jurisdiction of the Courts of North Carolina. 
* The integrity of the noncustodial parent in resisting the relocation.
* The likelihood that a realistic visitation schedule can be arranged which will preserve and foster the parental relationship with the noncustodial parent. 

The factors can include not only the negative outcomes of moving, but also the positives. 
Relocation cases are never easy.  Regardless of whether it’s the staying-parent or the away-parent who receives primary physical custody, that parent typically will have chunks of non-school time carved out so the kids can spend time with the other parent plus many public holidays that can create long weekends.
 
One of my most significant take-aways from recent relocation litigation is how critically important it is for the moving parent to have locked down in concrete terms what life will look like for the child in the new location.  This means, for example, school placement.  Evidence that the child might go to this school or that one or general evidence that the school options are excellent is insufficient. The better practice is to present comprehensive evidence that the kids will go to XYZ School along with all the related facts and selling-points about the virtues of XYZ School. 
 
I also feel the better practice is to offer evidence about a permanent residence with pictures or video. I'm talking about evidence like, this is THE house, located at 123 SunnySide Lane.  The children’s bedrooms look like [insert photo].  General evidence along the lines of this could be the neighborhood or these are the options does not offer the security that is necessary to create confidence that the move is going to be best for the children.
 
It is critical to offer as much detailed testimony, examples, pictures, and video of exactly what life in the new city will look like.  When it comes to custody cases, I do not believe Judges like a mystery.  The unknown is worrisome.  The home state is certain.  Facts are absolutely known.  As much as possible, I feel it essential to level-up the playing field when comparing the home to the move-away location. 

For example, in one of my cases, we had pictures and video of the new home.  We videotaped the bike ride to the new school so the Judge could virtually ride along.  Then we went inside and into a classroom. We had a “day-in-the-life” home movie featuring the neighborhood and nearby park.  We “drove” to the grocery store and did some shopping.  We went to that location’s version of “Chuck E. Cheese.”  We walked to Grandma’s.  And so on. 
 
Another thing I learned is how much improvement there is by the airline industry in managing unaccompanied minor travel.  For instance, Delta Airlines affixes a barcode wrist band and tracks the child almost like a package.  A mobile app tracks bags.  There are affordable wearable tracking devices that attach like a wrist watch so the parents can also track the children.  (Look at www.myfilip.com.) And, the parents can track the airplane in real time using sites like www.flightaware or www.flightview.com.  The airline’s associated digital apps will send notifications and updates. 
 
Coincidentally, after one of my relocation cases, I was on an airplane in the second row of the main cabin seated behind a pair of kids traveling alone on their way to see their grandparents.  I was downright jealous at the attention and special treatment they received.  They got ice cream sundaes!!!  And tablets!  

​
​Add Adjunct Law Professor to my name!  
​I’m not giving up my day job, but I am going
​to teach Family Law to 3L students at Campbell University School of Law, starting next semester.  
The class is already full and there is a wait list.
I am terrified.  #nopressure.

​Well, Hello.  I’ve been away for a long while.  So far, 2016 has been The Year Of The Long Trial(s).  These have been cases where there was no middle ground.  That happens sometimes. It’s a terrible thing, actually.  There is a crushing financial burden on all the litigants, and an enormous drain on time and emotional resources.  The time and emotional drain is the case for the litigants and their lawyers.  I work so hard to make the trial appear seamless and “easy.”  The truth is far different from the appearance.  There are hours and hours and hours devoted to planning, reading, researching, outlining, writing, practicing, talking, listening.  And, thinking.  Some of my best brainstorms occur in the shower.  After all these years, it’s still jarring for my husband when I race out of the shower to my nearby notepad and furiously scribble my epiphany. I sometimes wonder if my clients appreciate all the mental hours I spend thinking about their situation and how I can bring it to life in a courtroom, or how I can help solve the dilemma.  I worry.  I care about their life.  I care about what they have built over a lifetime.  I care about their kids.  I genuinely want my people to heal.  

I have been challenged lately with clients needing a Premarital Agreement.  Negotiating a premarital agreement can be very touchy.  Although my duty is to my client, I take an inclusive approach and try to dial back the adversarial approach.  After all, these are folks embarking on a joyous occasion and are full of hope and idealism which I do not want to totally squash.  I’ve been through several bruising Premarital Agreement negotiations lately – negotiations that pushed past bachelor parties, dress fittings; even one where the clients were negotiating on the gondola on the way to the rehearsal.    

There’s got to be a better way, I thought.

Typically, the process begins with one spouse-to-be creating a draft of a document that protects that party, seemingly to the exclusion of the other.  The “moneyed spouse” proposes initially that very little (or none) of the money or assets are to be shared with the other spouse except under the control of the moneyed spouse.  And, there is no guarantee or minimum amount of money or assets paid to the less-moneyed spouse, either at separation or death (even if the marriage is intact), and there are iron-clad provisions dictating who gets what if the parties separate.  You can imagine the ire of the other spouse when this kind of one-sided draft is first read.

Negotiating a Premarital Agreement in the “traditional” way – spouses-to-be standing with lawyers taking adversarial positions like the marriage is a business transaction – can create destructive emotions that are carried over into the fledgling marital relationship. The transactional business deal approach can be bruising and destructive, and can lead to an inadequate document. The quality and terms of the Premarital Agreement can be poor since it was not tailored to the real needs and aims of the future spouses. 

The better way -- Premarital Agreement Mediation!  GENIUS.  Why have I not advocated for this before, I asked myself?!

Mediation is an excellent way for people to discuss tricky issues that provoke hot emotions.  The emotions will still provoke hard conversation, but the mediation setting can lower the heat.  The first difference is that rather than begin with a document that one side has become attached to, a Premarital Mediation can begin with balance since no one has become cemented in his or her proposals.  To help get the conversation started, I compiled a Premarital Checklist.  The Checklist includes specifics around the 4 pillars: family, finances, faith, and fun.  The idea is that the couple will talk to each other about his and her individual approach about family, finance, and lifestyle. In Premarital Agreement mediation, the couple can formulate the terms of the Agreement face-to-face, with the assistance of the mediator, lawyers, and with the Premarital Agreement Checklist as background. Rather than trade term sheets back and forth, the spouses are communicating and collaborating toward a mutual understanding and respect while coming to terms of the Agreement.  This give-and-take at the outset of the marriage is an achievement that starts the marriage off successfully.

A Premarital Agreement must not be coercive. Each party must freely and voluntarily agree to the terms.  A Premarital Agreement must be enforceable. The danger in a “traditional” Premarital Agreement negotiation is that one side is perceived to be a bully, arm-twisting for favorable terms under the threat of backing out of the pending nuptials.  If the agreement is not coercive, the parties will likely stand behind it if there is an initiating event that causes it to come into play.  The Premarital Agreement mediation process creates more balanced terms, informed choices, and an enforceable document.

The parties may also learn about ideas and solutions they would not have been aware of without the collaborative input of the mediator and lawyers.  Having a spouse-to-be bring along an independent lawyer is not adversarial – in the context of the mediation, the goal of all participants is to craft an Agreement that is reflective of the needs, desires, and concerns of each spouse-to-be.
There is no better way to come to a true meeting of the minds that takes into account the interests and goals of each spouse-to-be than to do it face-to-face in mediation sessions with a mediator.

 With the rise of Twitter, Vimeo, blogs, and the ever-present Facebook, more and more clients are seeking advice about Defamation & Slander claims.  Defamation arises from a printed statement. Slander is a verbal statement. Both are civil claims that may result in the payment of money to compensate for damages suffered.

​To be defamatory, a statement must be 1) published to a third person and, 2) the statement must be about the person complaining (the plaintiff) and, 3) the statement must sufficiently identify the plaintiff and, 4) the statement must be false, and, 5) have caused damage to the plaintiff’s reputation.   Defenses to defamation include:  truth; consent; and privilege (aka, remarks by politicians in their official capacity).

Libel is a defamatory statement recorded in writing or in some other permanent recorded form (video, for example).  Libel can be defamatory on its face (libel per se), as in “my spouse is addicted to heroin and meth and was fired from six jobs and had sex with the family Doberman.”   A statement can also be defamatory if a published statement, not defamatory on its face, but when considered together with innuendo and normal explanatory circumstances becomes false, injurious, and damaging.  Such a statement might be something like, “my spouse and Ray Rice have a lot in common.”   This category of defamation is called “libel per quod” and requires an additional element of proving there has been an injury to reputation (“special damages”).  In North Carolina, there is a defamatory middle-ground, where a statement is susceptible of two meanings, one defamatory and the other not, but a reasonable reader would interpret the statement in the defamatory sense.   

​Defamatory statements can be verbal.  This is Slander.  If a defamatory spoken statement is about a person’s business or profession; or alleges a person has a foul or loathsome disease; or alleges a person is guilty of a crime of moral turpitude (dishonesty; behavior contrary to community moral standards; depraved behavior), such statements can be considered slander per se and the requirement of proving damage to reputation is presumed.  Other types of statements may be slanderous but if a statement does not fall within one of these 3 categories, it requires a proof of injury to reputation.
      
#defamation is a trend.  Courtney Love won her Twitter lawsuit, and in July 2015, actor James Woods sued a Twitter user for $10 million because @AbeListed said Mr. Woods was a “cocaine addict.”   http://time.com/3979733/james-woods-cocaine-twitter-troll-lawsuit.

While celebrities have a “brand” to protect, spouses have an image to protect and a reputation to guard which can be tattered by malicious tweets, posts, and videos.

Following up the Revenge Porn post, civil remedies that go hand-in-hand with revenge porn attacks include Invasion of Privacy claims and Emotional Damage claims (intentional infliction of emotional distress or “IIED”). Nationwide, there are four kinds of claims for invasion of privacy but North Carolina recognizes two and has explicitly ruled out two others.  [I hope the two exclusionary holdings will be challenged given the advances in technology that have taken place since the mid to late 1980s when those cases were decided.]  

North Carolina recognizes invasion of privacy claims for appropriation of one's picture or name and invasion of a person’s private affairs or seclusion.  (See Hall v. Post, 323 N.C.259 (1988).)  Although somewhat oversimplifying the required elements, a person must show that there was an unauthorized use or prying or intruding in the private affairs or seclusion of a person that would be objectionable to a reasonable person.  For example, posting pictures of your spouse exposing her chest at Mardi Gras (gotta earn those beads) would not be an invasion of privacy as the ‘exposure’ was in a public place at a public event.  On the other hand, posting pictures of your spouse exposing her chest during a private intimate marital moment would meet the definition.  Judging by a NC State Senator’s comment on the senate floor, “I’d rather be shot in the leg than have naked pictures posted of me online,” it is likely that the disclosure of private marital images would be objectionable to a reasonable person.

In addition to privacy claims, a person who has been victimized by another can seek civil damages for emotional damage.  This is known as “intentional infliction of emotional distress.”  As the name implies, this claim is intentional (not accidental or negligent), and the bad actor must pay money damages for injuries resulting from his or her conduct or actions regardless of whether the bad actor could have foreseen the damage caused.  The bad actor’s conduct must be a) extreme and outrageous, and b) intending to cause severe emotional distress, and c) did cause severe emotional distress (actual injury).  

​Cases where invasion of privacy claims have been involved include “low-tech” Facebook posts of confidential and private information; to Teddy Bear Cams in bedrooms and bathrooms (and not to safeguard children); to “high-tech” drones with GoPro cameras.